


Truly Honestly

by Emmybazy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Parabatai Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 05:52:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13381521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmybazy/pseuds/Emmybazy
Summary: It's the day before their parabatai rune ceremony and Alec is having second thoughts.Or, if Alec had been honest with Jace before they took their parabatai oath.





	Truly Honestly

**Author's Note:**

> Happy New Year everyone. I'm really into this idea of Alec telling Jace about his feelings before they became parabatai and Jace being confused about his feelings in the face of Alec's so will probably right something more fleshed out eventually. 
> 
> This starts immediately after Alec goes to Izzy in the flashback in 2.03, first snippet of dialogue on Izzy's part is taken directly from the episode.

“If you walk away from Jace you may never find another parabatai, is that really a risk you’re willing to take?” Izzy asks the question that’s been on his mind for months now.

Alec looks away, bites his lip in his indecision, “I don’t- I don’t know Iz.”

She smiles, soft under all the armour. She puts her hand on his shoulders, “Sleep on it. You’ve got pre ceremony jitters, a night’s sleep should give you some clarity.”

“You’re right,” Alec nods, “Thanks.”

“No problem big brother,” She pushes him away, “Now go, I’m training.”

“Night Iz,” Alec walks out, shoulders still tight by his ears and Jace’s smile stuck in his head.

*****

A night doesn’t help. If anything, he can’t fall asleep. Instead his brain wanders down possible futures. None of them are perfect, and most break his heart at one point or another. Most involve Alec as Jace’s best man at his wedding, resenting whoever gets to stand on Jace’s other side. He groans and tries to shut the thoughts out but is unsuccessful. 

At 5am, he pushes himself out of bed and heads to a training room, deciding to work some of his frustrations out on the bag. 

“It’s a little early to be training, don’t you think?” Robert turns up the lights, dim for the time of day and for Alec’s mood. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” Alec grunts, landing a hard jab before turning to his father. 

“I remember,” Robert sits on a bench on the side of the room, tipping his head back, “I couldn’t sleep a wink the night before my ceremony.”

“Yeah?” Alec asks, hopeful, as he takes a step toward the bench.

“Of course, all the adrenaline coursing through your veins,” Robert grins, “I just wanted it to be morning so I could bond with Mike. I bet Jace is pacing his room right now too.”

“Oh,” Alec drops next to his father, “Yeah, probably.”

“Is something wrong Alec?” 

Alec scratches the back of his head, “How did you know you were making the right choice, binding your soul to someone else’s?”

Robert shrugs, “He was my best friend. We complimented each other’s weaknesses and celebrated each other’s strength. It made a lot of sense. I never regretted it, and I miss him every day Alec. You and Jace are already far more in sync than Mike and I were, this is a good match.”

Alec bites his lip, rests his head in his hand. He whispers because he knows the words will land like a blow on his father, “What if I don’t know if I want to be parabatai with Jace?”

“What’s your concern exactly?” Robert leans his body forward to get on Alec’s level. 

“I-” he won’t be able to say it, “I just don’t know.”

“I hate to say this Alec,” Robert sighs, “but in most cases, not knowing is knowing.” Robert pats Alec’s back and stands, “Whatever happens, I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks Dad,” Alec murmurs as Robert leaves him to his thoughts.

****

“Jace,” Alec knocks on Jace’s door, “You up?”

Jace yanks open the door, “Alec, hey, come in!” Alec stumbles in, playing with his own fingers and not knowing how to put his thoughts into words. Jace shuts the door and throws himself on his bed, “What’s up, are you excited for later?”

“Jace-” Alec meets Jace’s eyes, sees the unbridled joy in them fade away as Jace takes Alec in.

“What’s wrong?” Jace sits up.

“I don’t-” Alec takes in a deep breath to push through, “I don’t think we should rush the parabatai process.”

“What- what are you talking about? We completed all the tasks, there’s nothing stopping us.”

“Yeah, but we did it in a lot less time than it normally takes, I think we need more time to make sure we’re the right match-”

“Of course we’re the right match!” Jace stands, “We’re the perfect team. Think about all the people we’re going to help. We’re going to be so strong together, no demon will be able to-”

“Then I need more time,” Alec rushes out, “I need more time.”

Jace’s shoulders collapse and his lower lip droops, “Why? You’re my brother, my best friend. Why don’t you want to be my parabatai?”

“I do, I do-”

“Then why are you saying all of this shit Alec?”

“Because,” Alec clenches his fists together in front of him, “I need more time to make sure I’m in the right place before we get our rune.”

“But why Alec?” Jace steps forward, “I’ve noticed, you know. You’ve been less and less excited the closer we get to the ceremony. Talk to me. If we’re going to be parabatai, we have to be completely honest with each other.”

Jace’s eyes are wide, his body vulnerable and Alec wants to give him what he wants so badly, even at the expense of himself. But he can't be selfish in this decision that will affect them both. 

“I don’t see you as a brother,” Alec admits, hoping Jace will read between the lines. By the way Jace’s face falls, Alec knows he didn’t, “I- I’ve started thinking of you differently, and it’s not fair to you for us to bond with me feeling this way.” 

“What way?” Alec can’t meet his eyes, looks at his feet instead, hopes Jace will drop it, that he’ll understand without realizing and they’ll be fine, just fine, until Alec can get over this and be the parabatai Jace deserves. But, it seems to click for Jace, “Oh. You mean- oh.”

“Yeah,” Alec agrees, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry for- that,” Jace consoles.

Alec nods, “Then I’m sorry I let it go this far, and I’m sorry you have to restart finding your parabatai again-”

“What, no, why would I do that?” Alec flicks his head up at Jace, sprawled out on his bed, eyes narrowed, “You just said you needed more time. I can wait.”

“You can?”

“Yeah, of course,” Jace says, “I’m not going to lie, I want it to happen today, but I’d wait for you Alec. There’s no one else I want to bond with.”

“You don’t have to wait for me, I understand. Especially under these circumstances.”

“Alec, you’re the only one I can imagine being parabatai with and we will be parabatai one day, when you’re ready.” Jace holds his hand out for Alec to grasp.  Alec does. He clasps his hand in Jace’s and Jace pulls him into a tight hug. Jace whispers, arms around Alec, “Come on, let’s go tell everyone we’re going to wait longer.” Jace quirks his lips up at Alec before heading out of the room.

Alec is left standing next to Jace’s bed, wondering if Jace and he are on the same page or in different books. 

 *****

“My grandma asked me when we’re going to bond,” Jace takes another bite of curry, “I told her we’re talking about it.”

“Oh, yeah,” Alec bites his lip, “I’m not sure.”

“By now, it’s been longer than most parabatai wait. You still want me to be your parabatai, right?”

Alec leans forward in his seat. It’s been nine months since they're last failed ceremony and they haven’t acknowledged the reason why it didn’t happen since that day. Alec tilts his head, “Yeah, I do, but I told you I wasn’t sure when I would be ready.”

“That’s fine, just let me know,” Jace shrugs, popping another bite in his mouth, “this whole thing with my grandmother is new so I’ll find ways to distract her from it.”

“Jace, we should probably talk more about this.”

“We don’t have to, just let me know when you’re ready and I’ll be ready too,” Jace pushes away from the table, “Do you need more water?”

*****

Alec tries his hardest to keep his eyes from roaming but Jace isn’t shy. Jace doesn’t care that everyone’s watching, he stretches his bare chest before he lands another blow against Raj’s staff.

Alec ties the laces on his shoes and tries to look like he’s watching as a parabatai would, following the lines of Jace’s body purely to track his movements, to understand his partners power. It’s Jace’s hands that throw him into a fantasy. Jace’s fingers curl around the staff and Alec closes his eyes to the onslaught of images. He hears Jace breathe and it makes the issue worse. 

“Alec,” Izzy sits next to him and he startles from his mind, “Ready?”

“Yeah, just a second,” Alec re-ties his left shoe and turns his back to Jace. 

*****

“So, how’d it go?” Jace is waiting on Alec’s bed. 

Alec shrugs, “Ok, he was nice. The movie was funny.”

“Look at my bro, going out on the town with a nice guy,” Jace holds out his hand for a high five, “So, when do you want to get our runes?”

“What?” Alec asks as he takes off his button down and throws on a T-shirt. 

“Seems like the issue has resolved itself, so come on, let’s get our runes, be real parabatai.”

Alec sighs, sitting next to Jace, “It’s not that simple Jace.”

Jace’s lips crush into a thin line, “Sure, yeah, got it. You need more time. I’m glad you had fun on your date.” Jace stands and heads to the door, doesn’t come back into the room when Alec tries to call out to him. 

*****

It’s any other Sunday, Jace and Alec sparring when Jace says it, “You know, my grandma told me I should try to find a different parabatai.”

Alec falters and Jace gets the upper hand, landing a neat elbow to Alec’s chest and getting Alec under him. Alec lets himself be malleable, Jace pinning Alec’s hands above his head. 

“What did you tell her?”

“That it wouldn’t be that much longer before we bonded.”

Alec pushes himself out from under Jace, “Jace-”

“Seriously? How much more time do you need Alec? I get that you’re attracted to me but it’s not like I’m the only one you’re attracted to. Why can’t you put that aside so we can bond?”

Alec stills. Jace is leaning back against the wall and Alec is standing over him. Alec could lie, walk out, tell Jace some bull shit. 

“Is that what you’ve thought all these years?” Alec questions, “You thought I was just attracted to you?”

“Yes, because that’s what you told me.”

“No, I told you I had feelings.”

“So?” Jace tosses his hair out of his eyes, “What’s the difference?”

“I-” the words are stuck in Alec’s throat, “Come on Jace, you know it’s more than that.”

“Know what is more than what?” Jace holds his hands out, “Are there other reasons you don’t want to be my parabatai?”

Alec swallows. He plops down next to Jace on the ground, leaving space between the two of them. It’s a murmur, ripped off Alec’s lips, “I love you.”

“And I love you, more than anyone else,” Jace insists, “That’s why we need to be parabatai.”

“No, Jace, I’m- I love you in a way that would break the accords and warp the bond.”

They're both looking straight forward when Jace says, “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They don’t move. Alec prepares himself to run from whatever is about to happen but he knows he owes it to Jace to stay.

Jace finally speaks, “Why?” 

“That’s a dumb question,” Alec shrugs, “because you’re the best.”

“Sure I’m a good at demon hunting-”

“Because you’re the best person I know,” Alec corrects, “not the best shadowhunter.”

“Still, you’re the best person I know,” Jace points out, “what is it that makes you think you love me?”

“I do love you Jace,” Alec’s confidence grows.

“But how do you know what you’re feeling is love?” Jace runs a hand through his hair, “How do you know I’m not just your best friend who you happen to be attracted to?”

Alec bites his lip, “I think- I kind of think that’s what love is. I just- I want to be around you all the time. I feel calm when I’m with you, and you make me smile and make me feel like I have value.” 

“Of course you have value Alec” Jace insists.

“But other people don’t make me feel that way, you do. I want you to feel the same way and I want to be the one to make you feel that way.” Alec stifles the words, now rushing to get out, “that’s what love is to me.”

Jace shakes his head, “No, that can’t be right. There’s something else right?”

“Maybe, I don’t know,” Alec shrugs, “But I know whatever love is, I feel it for you. And I-” Alec takes a breath, “I don’t know when or if I’ll ever stop feeling that way. Maybe you should find someone else to be your parabatai.”

“I don’t want anyone else, it’s you or no one,” Jace is fierce with his decision, “I don’t want there to be anyone else who I’m closer with than you.”

“Oh, ok,” Alec nods, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, you shouldn’t be,” Jace stands, “I've gotta- I’m going for a run. I’ll see you later.” He doesn’t offer Alec a hand up, picks up a hard pace headed out of the Institute. Alec watches him go, feeling the heat seep out of his body. 

******

Alec sits on the parapets around the edge of the roof that night, staring out over the city and wondering if he lost his best friend. Jace crashes through the door, lungs heaving, while Alec tries to find Orion’s Belt. 

“I don’t want you to be my parabatai any more,” Jace wheezes. 

Alec crumbles, “Ok, I understand.”

“I mean,” he catches his breath and approaches Alec, “I want- You know how I was brought up. I never knew what love looked like or felt like, and I was taught it would destroy me.”

“Yeah, I know Jace, it’s fine-”

“Let me finish,” Jace puts a hand on Alec’s forearm, “All those things you were saying earlier, that how I feel about you. That’s how I’ve always felt about you. And when we were 16, I wanted to keep you and I didn’t know all this was love so I asked you to be my parabatai so I could keep you,” Jace takes a step closer, “But if all that stuff you were saying about how you felt about me, if that’s what being in love with someone is, I’ve been in love with you a long time.”

Alec blinks, “really?”

“Yeah, definitely, you’re my favorite person Alec. I want to spend the rest of my life by your side,” Jace loops his fingers over Alec’s, “Always have. Sharing a soul would have been great, but I’m not opposed to sharing a bed.” Jace smirks, striking a chord deep in Alec’s chest. 

“Ok,” Alec pulls Jace in with a hand tangled in his hair and Jace gladly dips into his embrace. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Tumblr: emmybazy.tumblr.com


End file.
